It's Tuesday, and I can't wait for the guy in the UK who's been spamming me at work recently, to get the following email I just sent to him .... (names have been changed to protect the innocent) ...
"Thank you for your email. I must say you never fail to impress me with your upbeat, positive attitude with regard to the [blank blank blank blank blank blank blank], which is certainly a mouthful of a title if I ever heard one. This must be quite laborious to type out so regularly in your communications, not just to me, but to the many other people you must approach as well. Have you thought of perhaps using an acronym? You could call it Tetigeb for short - I feel it rolls off the tongue (or fingertips, as the case may be) very nicely as a little endearment for your publication. Why not consider this approach next time?
"The way you manage to inject such enthusiasm into your emails is a welcome relief from the usual turgid constructions I receive from companies endeavouring to attract advertising revenue for their publications, and my colleagues, who eagerly await every next instalment from you, deeply admire your persistence and commitment to the cause. The regular scattering of exclamation marks injects a particular excitement and energy into your writing of which I am very fond.
"I must also say that your optimism in continuing to send me emails offering advertisements of different types with this publication (either in its hard copy or online format) is such a joy to behold in times like these, a period in our history characterised by the grim realities of recession, rising unemployment, falling business confidence and ongoing talk of deep financial crisis; both here and overseas. Indeed, the spirits of commercial ghosts haunt us at every turn, do they not?
"Therefore I can only commend you for your unfailing efforts in offering me the regular opportunity to advertise with your publication, particularly in light of my failure to ever previously reply to your many invitations. And I feel so flattered, having been pursued by you so ardently over the course of the past six months - is it really that long?- that I hardly know which way to look. Without question, your attentions are the most regular that I receive, and your undented confidence in the face of my continuing rejection is an astonishment to behold. If there were a prize for personal resilience I would nominate you for it.
"But alas, this cannot continue. Much as I treasure your every communication it is with regret that I feel I must at last declare in writing that I have no desire, no wish and no intent to ever take you up on this offer. Clearly, the regret is all mine but I feel it would be unfair to allow you to continue to hope that you will eventually wear me so far down to the point of exhaustion that I will give in. It will not happen, and I am resolute on this.
"Circumstances conspire against us, dear John, and if things were different, who knows what might have been possible. Please be deeply assured that I value every singular effort you have put into your stream of emails, and that I shall miss the regular contact from you.
Yours sincerely ......"
Too much, do you think?