I'm all at sixes and sevens. I still feeling reasonably unsettled. I am sort of rattling around the house, picking things up and putting them down again, not quite sure what to do with my time. I feel like sewing but can't settle on a new project. I'd like the house to be tidy, but don't feel like tidying up. I did a bit of gardening and then couldn't be bothered any more. I'm wasting a considerable amount of time surfing the internet and not really enjoying it.
I feel almost immobilised by the freedom I've got right now, paralysed by choice. Nothing is holding my attention.
Clearly, I'm going to have to put more structure into my days. I joined the local YMCA gym so perhaps I should start doing that at a regular time each day - probably first thing in the morning so that I a) get out of bed and b) don't talk myself out of it as the day passes. I need to paint one of my fabric cupboards so I should draw up a list of the stuff that I need, go to Bunnings, buy it all, bring it home and actually make a start. I should decide on a new sewing project and get started.
Should, should, should ..... my world is made up of "shoulds" right now, because all I've got is the feeling that I ought to be doing interesting and exciting things with my time, things I never had the time to do when I was working, and yet I can't fix on a single thing to do.
I wonder if this is a passing phase - an adjustment to the new status quo - and whether in a month or two (or three) I'll have settled into some kind of new normal?
Rationally, I know these opportunities don't come along often, and so I feel a kind of pressure to really make the most of it. But is making the most of it actually something like relaxing and letting go, and experiencing the silence and collecting the blossoms along the way; rather than launching into activities left, right and centre? Is the blessing actually having the room to NOT do anything? Is it giving myself that permission?
I really want to be enjoying this time off, but between the anxious feeling of "I should be doing interesting and exciting things" and the desire to just hang out without doing anything, and the added nervousness that I'll get a job before too long and will then fatefully discover, either way, that I've wasted this rare fallow period by a) not doing enough interesting exciting things or b) not relaxing and just letting go and revelling in it, but instead straddling a tightrope between the two and never setting a foot properly into either camp (to mix my metaphors) ..... sheesh, it's overwhelming.
As I said to the Sister Of My Heart, do you think I'm over-analysing this?