A fashion rant and rave

Good god, do you know what I hate????

I hate those stupid ridiculous lists that fashion people write in stupid fashion pages about the "must haves" every woman must have in order to ride the fashion wave/ride the luxury boom/ride out the recession in style!!!

They are so utterly useless in their advice, because of course the items listed never suit everybody, and usually cater to the whims of the moment, so regardless of whether you look good in a leopard-print bikini teamed with chunky tribal jewellery, apparently those are the items you "must have" in order to remain fashionable. God forbid you should fall out of fashion.

There is one of these columns on the Sydney Morning Herald website today, written by the style maven (ha!) Samantha Brett, who in another life writes a terrible sex and relationships column. [Editor's note: this is my own personal opinion and I understand that other people may not agree with me about Samantha Brett and her complete lack of style or writing talent, and that is okay. It is their right, just as it is my right to sound off about my own opinion.]

The article has a list of the Top 10 things you need to protect yourself from the effects of the recession.

Some of these things I agree with. Ballet flats, for example. I am a fan of ballet flats. Lots of them. In different colours. With little heels, or bows on the instep. Yes, ballet flats and I are friends.

But others are just completely wrong.

Number One on the list for example (and I quote): "Gladiator Heels - Whether you're tall, short, heading to the office or heading out after dark, a pair of killer gladiator heels are in order. Heidi Klum and Gwyneth Paltrow are expertly teaming them up with little black frocks and heavy eyeliner with Aussie gals are going ga-ga over Wittner's "vixen" heels, while Zu Shoes, Nine West and Shoe Box Shoes are doing great versions too. If you're able to get your hands on brands like Sergio Rossi, Jimmy Choo, Balenciaga or Givenchy gladiators, you wont be disappointed. "

I'm sorry, but that is just a poor excuse for an advertisement, for all the shops that currently find themselves with massive leftover stocks of gladiator heels at the end of the season. And what does she mean, "whether you're tall or short"? Gwyneth and Heidi might be loving them, but I'm afraid we are not all blessed with pins like Gwyneth and Heidi, and if we were, we probably wouldn't be reading your style column, Samanatha Brett. NO WAY on god's green earth would I put gladiator heels on and make myself appear even *shorter* in the leg than I already am. And so uncomfortable! How can you support the blatant contradiction of having this recommendation sitting snugly along the recommendation for ballet flats?!?!

Jeez, and then she goes on to recommend lots of chunky gold jewellery - who are we, Elizabeth Taylor? Chavs? Ali G? How about jewellery that expresses who you are, something that demonstrates your individual tastes and styles, instead of a flat-footed one-size fits all approach? Nope. I'm sorry, no, couldn't possibly. It has to be gold jewellery. Riiiiiiiiight.

Need I go on? To mention the gold-rimmed aviators? and the Designer Watch? Oh yes, a designer watch, despite the fact that this is meant to be a column about surviving the recession. Surviving it by Spending Lots Of Money Needlessly, perhaps then.

Good heavens, what an utter load of tripe.

I can't continue. I need to lie down. Someone pour me a drink.